My girlfriend dumped me. That’s perfectly fine with me, as long as I get brand spanking new pussy in the next 48 hours. Or else.
Luckily for me there are apps for this exact situation. Everyone loves to weigh in on online dating discourse, any retard can churn out a well written thinkpiece that either blackpills, “Dating is cooked, can’t beat hoeflation” or inspires, “You can get more pussy, if you Act Like Me.” I don’t know which is true and honestly couldn’t care less.
My one brief opinion on the matter is that meeting up with a girl from the internet is quite the gamble since people often present themselves completely differently over text compared to real life.
When I meet someone in person I can assess if there’s any Fuck potential based on how we meet eachother’s gaze and if there’s any banter in our initial back and forth. It takes fifteen seconds to confidently know if someone enjoys sucking on balls for pure love of the game.
With an app you spend all this precious time assessing profiles, delicately crafting the perfect witty message to stand out, coordinating meet up logistics…just to sit down at dinner across from one of the most socially retarded people you’ve ever met that clearly just wants to get back to consuming short form video content. Before the appetizer even comes you wonder, why God, why am I about to pay one hundred and twenty dollars for this dinner with someone that has the sexual spark of a birch tree. These Hinge dates are massive time commitments compared to hitting a bar and talking to twenty different prospects that cannot hide their true personality behind a keyboard, or their BMI behind a strategically angled selfie.
Despite it not being a perfect system, I’ve had dry spells that made me realize if I don’t get fellatio from a fertile foid before the weekend there’s a high probability that I find some justification for splattering my brains on the wall - so I spin the roulette wheel of life and download UberEats for Pussy, attempting to order in.
Oh hello Chinese girl named Kennedy, you like me and I like you, should we skip the small talk and get married? Chinese works for me, it’s not my fetish like it is for some beloved perverts on this platform, but I’m certainly not opposed. As long as a girl isn’t that one race that I’m not particularly attracted to, I can find the beauty in anyone. Don’t worry, it’s not your race dear reader, your people are extremely fuckable and have brought numerous cultural enrichments to our great nation.
Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy. After exchanging six messages with me, you’re interested in getting picked up in my car? I don’t think this dame would last very long in the wild, these are not strong survival instincts that lead to a long and healthy life with so many sick twisted freaks running amok… she is Straight Outta Asia on a student visa though, maybe getting in strangers vehicles is nothing to bat those little eyelashes at in high trust societies? Anyways luckily for Kennedy I am not a psycho rapist murderer! Talk about a win-win!
I’m really looking forward to having sex with Kennedy, hopefully. After a year and a half with the same lady, mixing it up is always kinda nice… and a little depressing… but truth be told, the main reason I’m looking forward to this is that if I fuck today I win the break up.
Kennedy has no idea that my ex and I are in the vicious unspoken race that is as old as time itself to beat the other one to the punch in terms of exchanging bodily fluids with a stranger, therefore emerging as the clear victor with more value in the dating pool. This happens after every break up, whether people are willing to admit it or not. I can win today… unless some new guy has already blasted the girl I used to love and cherish with his stinky jizz. If that’s the case then I lost and this sex is about to be completely devoid of any meaning whatsoever, like usual.
Erm, anyway. Kennedy and I are going to the beach, because it’s free and I live quite close. But get this… it’s freezing outside! All part of the plan. She won’t want to stay outside very long in this mediocre weather, increasing my chances to pump a load out of my dusty old beanbag.
I drive down to her campus and give her a ring, buzzing with Brand, Spanking New Pussy Jitters… feels like being teenager starting from square one again… I give her a quick call to let her know I’m outside.
I see a figure in the distance with her phone to her ear exiting an apartment. We both hang up, and she begins to saunter over to the car. My jitters slowly transform into existential dread…
I know what you’re thinking, “Hahaha, she was fat! You buffoon!” If so, you are sorely mistaken. This is a unique catfish situation I have never encountered or heard tales of…
Kennedy’s nose is twice as wide as every picture online. This shit is stretching out like it’s trying to give her ears a comforting, warm embrace. Fuck man, I didn’t realize I was such a SchnozzSnob, but my disappointment is immeasurable and probably visible.
“Hey.. uhm.. I didn’t expect your car to be like this, you said it was gonna be, like, blue. This is black.” Kennedy says, a tad retardedly. It’s fucking navy blue, lady, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m still left speechless over how different her nose looks from the pictures, just autistically gazing at her face wondering how she was able to adjust all of the photos so deceivingly…
“I almost was like, is that not him, since you said the car would be blue, but there weren’t any other cars out here…umm, are you good?” she inquires.
Uh.. yeah, I’m fine. Nice to meet ya.
We have a mind-numbingly dull car ride to the beach as I interrogate her to find any interests, fun experiences, or long term goals she’s been developing during her time away from the oppressive CCP regime. Nope, she doesn’t drink and has no major and all of her classes are equally interesting and her friends are all Pretty Normal and Doing Fine… COME ON, give me something here, it’s like talking to The Great Wall of China!
By the time we get to the beach Kennedy flips the interrogation back on me since I’m much better at answering questions than her, trying to “learn about my job” and find out how much money I make to determine if a second date is worthwhile. Or who knows, maybe she just wants to get to know me, I spend too much time online poisoning my mind with the paranoia of basement dwelling ragebait incel posters that have pessimistically warped the psyche of all my fellow zoomer compatriots.
Speaking of that, Kennedy talks like way more of a zoomer dude than I do, which is a slight turn off. Instead of laughing like normal humans have done for centuries, she says “I’m dead bro” or “that’s geeeeeked.” Can you please stop talking like my little brother? I do not want to fuck my little brother or anyone with resemblance to my little brother.
As the sun starts setting, Kennedy asks me if I know of any good bars in the area.
I thought you didn’t drink?
“I don’t, but I don’t wanna go home yet.”
Aren’t you twenty? They’re not going to let you in anywhere over here.
“Really? There’s no good underage spots?”
I’m not the person to ask, I wasn’t here as a child… How about we just go to my place?
“Hmm… I don’t know…”
My cat wants to meet you. He just texted me.
Works. Every. Time. Not actually, but it does this time. Whoooo.
I bring Kennedy upstairs and she’s sitting on the edge of the bed petting the cat. “He’s so cute!” Yes, that is his one and only job. I clean his shit, I buy his stinky tins of ground turkey intestines that he vomits into my shoes, I spend thousands of dollars on vet bills since he probably shouldn’t exist from a purely eugenics-based perspective due to his genetic abnormalities, but he’s an adorable little eunuch so I love him.
Kennedy wants to put some slop on the tv because her conversation muscles have been thoroughly exercised and depleted after seventy five minutes. Works for me. She selects Temptation Island, a demonic show where couples are separated from each other and placed in mansions with thirty hypersexual horny hotties that persuade them to cheat on their partner. How does TV just keep getting more demonic? She’s seen this season but, “doesn’t mind a rewatch, I guess.” I’m sure there are a lot of easter eggs to be picked up upon a second viewing.
I turn on the softcore pornography assuming that we will watch five minutes or less, but now we’ve watched nearly a whole episode without really speaking, and for some reason we’re on completely opposite ends of the bed. I’m laying in the standard fashion with my head on a pillow, and she’s splayed out at my feet continuing to massage the uninterested feline. After a long internal debate over making a move, wondering if I should further desecrate my body and soul with casual sex, the view of Kennedy’s well sculpted butt and the shirtless freaks licking each other on the screen wins over.
I scoot my way down to the edge and now things are quite crowded with two humans and a cat. The animal and her both are staring at me with the exact same wide eyed deer in headlights look and I nearly crack up, but I hold it together and lean in for the kiss. It’s reciprocated and quickly turns to making out, the cat rockets off the bed in favor of lying on the beanbag cuckchair. I’m enjoying myself, we’re rolling around the bed like we’re in a washing machine cycle. She’s on top for a minute so I grab her ass, then I’m on top and she immediately grabs mine, I can respect that confidence.
Kennedy pulls away and says, “I don’t want to fuck, just so you know.”
All good, me neither.
“Really?”
Well, not really, but what’s the point in admitting that? Of course I would like to fuck. Have you ever met a dude that doesn’t want to fuck on the first date? If you have, they are lying or they’re gay. Or both. In fact, some people say that being gay is a form of lying, but we don’t need to open that can of based and redpilled worms…
Yeah, what’s the rush?
DING DING DING correct answer. She smiles and pulls me in to resume making out. I’m rubbing her back and her thighs, which are a little thinner than my ex’s, and she makes less little grunting noises than my ex, and her nose is nearly poking my eye out which is a New Experience… Fuck I think this may be worse than my ex and I’m probably going to end up with the bluest of balls while driving her home. Should I have tried to put in some more effort and buy my ex those flowers she wanted every week? Eh, that might’ve been putting a bandaid on a leaking roof. I think the problem was my ex fundamentally misunderstood who I was and only loved the idealized version of me that performatively danced like a little monkey that would unquestioningly do whatever her therapist told her to tell me to do-
“Do you wanna jerk off?” asks Kennedy. This completely catches me off guard, flicking my neurotic inner monologue off like a lightswitch. Do I want to jerk off?
...Do you want me to jerk off?
“Go for it.”
Well, this is a first, but I guess there’s no time like the present to give the old Louis CK method a shot. The Monitored Wank has gotta be fun if he nuked his entire career over it, right? I unbuckle my pants as she’s glancing up and down from my crotch to my eyes and I pull out the old hog and try to gauge her reaction. She’s hard to read, but certainly not revolted, so I start a slow, polite, exploratory jack session while giving her a light lower back massage with my other hand. It takes an unexpected amount of mental energy to knead one hand and pump the other, but what can I say, I’m a smart guy raised with great manners.
Sadly bad things always happen to good people, I start losing my boner within a few minutes. This is extra bad news because I’m a grower not a shower, and displaying full shrinkage on a first date is a humiliation ritual that I simply cannot endure at this pathetic point in my life.
“Yo, you good?” she asks in reference to my deflating dong, sadly still using my little brother’s vocabulary. That sure doesn’t help.
Yeah, this just isn’t how I normally jack off.
Kennedy’s eyebrows raise with intrigue, “Oh? What do you usually do?”
Sigh… am I really going to confide in this foreign national that I’m probably never going to see again about the bizarre way I fondle my mutilated circumcised cock? Is this really how I “win” the break up? Does it even count if she has zero involvement in the physical sensation that leads to rope blasting? Fuck it, in for a penny in for a pound…
I usually fuck a sock.
The truth is out! Kennedy chuckles and says “Bruh… what kind?”
Thick and long ones, obviously, haha.
“Heh, I’m dead… should I grab one?”
I flash a thumbs up and she strolls over to the dresser inspecting my inventory. She snatches one out and confidently dangles it, but I’m forced to interrupt with the cold hard sockfucker facts:
Sorry, that’s actually a dress sock, it’s a little too thin and I need to save it for interviews. Can you grab a thicker one?
“Oh, uhh, yeah, no problem.”
Kennedy returns with a fuckable sock. I adorn my penis with it and go to town while making out with her. The fact that I finally have some fabric to fuck and we’re not just awkwardly looking at each other is working wonders, and within a few minutes I’m getting to close.
Hey, I’m almost done, unless you wanna take over?
Kennedy reaches down and begins to Control The Wank, and let me tell ya folks this girl is a natural. Within about twenty seconds I grunt like a retard and soil the sock with seed, then roll over on to my side like a comatose beached manatee. I give her a kiss for a job well done.
“Shit, that’s a first.” she says.
Checks out, thanks. Anything I can do for you?
“Nah, I’m good. I should go home and study.”
Works for me. I put an unjizzed pair of socks on my feet amongst other clothes and we head downstairs to my car. On the ride home we discuss her upcoming final exams, our In N Out orders, and how many times I’ll bust into a sock before throwing it out. Would’ve made quite the podcast.
I arrive at her place. Kennedy exits my blue car and says, “Bye, [Thailand Stripclub Reviewer].” I say bye back. We don’t kiss, hug, or text each other ever again. Modern Zoomer Love.
Did I win my break up? Who knows, nothing matters anyway.
This nigga said it’s like talking to The Great Wall of China
"Do you want to jerk off?" Absolutely insane. 10/10 thanks for sharing